Bringing in the new!

Hey everyone! I had planned to get my new year goals up here sooner but the past few days have been super busy. New Year Day, Jay and I visited at mother-in-laws with her boyfriend's family and some neighbors. Jay was miserable pretty much the whole time except for when the neighbor's daughters were paying attention to him. He's such a ladies man.  Yesterday we visited Fiance at the rehab. He seems to be doing well. We did have to sit through an hour long mandatory family lecture while Jay got some one on one time with Daddy. Of course it was full of my favorite topic, Al-anon. Fiance will be getting out next Monday. So now I need to work with mother on setting up a plan for how long we can stay here.

So! On to the goals for the year:

1. Be active. 2-4 Days of exercise a week.

2. Grow spiritually.  Make at least 15-20 minutes a day for meditation / reading.

3. Keep up on school work. Start on Mondays instead of Tuesdays for each week.

4. Get back to sticking to the daily to do lists.

5. Look into the Y daycare program and look for a job.

6. Do self-esteem work book / practice positive thinking methods from  book.

7. Modified version of Whole-Living's 28 day challenge 

Wish me luck! I'll keep you updated!

The first kiss

Ok, so he was sleeping but it still counts. I was kissing fiancé in my head, as well!

My year in review- out with the old.

Goodbye 2010. I will not miss you.  This year has certainly been a rough one.

The first major blow happened in February with my father passing away. We haven't had a relationship in over ten years, yet his death hit me hard. We had to go back to his house, my childhood home, to clean it all out. It really hurt watching my childhood home disassembled and thrown in the back of a uhaul.

In May we moved.  Moving is normally stressful. This move was horrendous.  We were unprepared. With all the other stressors going on during that time (fiancé quitting his job for example) things went undone and packing was done last minute. My overly judgmental half-siblings took this opportunity to lecture me, degrade me, and scream in my face about all the things I don't do "right".

In June, fiancé got a DUI after leaving his sister's birthday party.  The rest of the summer months were decent. Yet, the lack of a job and the consequences that came with the DUI led fiancé into a pretty deep depression. Depression led to more drinking, less job searching, and more debt.

In October, the family issues returned.  My sister and niece decided to show their emotional age and post untrue, nasty comments about fiancé and me on facebook.  This led to fiancé being thrown out of our house and moved into his mothers. Things were decent for a short while, until the drinking took over again.

In November, my mom let fiancé come back to stay with us. The same week, his car was repossessed. And once again, this led to more depression, less job searching, more drinking, and debt.

December has been filled with fighting until fiancé decided to go to rehab. It's been very tough, considering he didn't leave with us on good terms. To be honest, although I know it's for the best, I hate that it had to come to this. I hate that he had to leave us in order to better himself. But I still love him, and will stick by him until he tells me otherwise.


The positives of the year include watching Jay grow. He's speaking a lot now and getting so big. We had a lot of fun days in the park during the summer.  I also found spirituality that clicks with me and makes life a little more fulfilling.


I'm trying to start 2011 with a fresh outlook and lots of goals. Nothing unrealistic.  But that's another post.

Is it really Christmas Eve?

Jayden's 3rd Christmas

So I have to keep reminding myself that yes, it actually is Christmas eve. See, when I think of Christmas eve, and draw on my past experiences, I think family. I remember Aunt Sissy's Oaster Stew, mountains of cookies, and laughter. I remember me and my mother making our untraditional Chicken Parmesan Christmas eve dinners.  And usually by this time at night on Christmas eve's past, I'd be pretty drunk. This of course would be followed by desperately attempting to survive visiting Fiance's family on Christmas day.

But this year, I've done none of that. Jay is off with his grandmother visiting her boyfriend's family. Although I would have preferred spend the holiday with him, there's no reason he shouldn't experience the usual traditions of the day. I took a bubble bath. Cleaned here and there, played computer games, and am watching ABC family with all the kiddie Christmas oldies.  Mother and I had roast beef sandwiches, I know..so luxurious.

Fiance called from rehab. Mostly just to tell me what stuff to bring for him tomorrow. The only thing that makes me happy is that when he says "I love you" I can actually hear the meaning in it again.

So.. Ho Ho Ho..MERRY CHRISTMAS. Hope everyone has a great one!